Trapped in Love

I am sure many of us stays in a relationship despite how much the person they love hurts them

they cant seem to get out of that relationship or get themselves to break up with that person, even if that person is just toying with them, taking them for granted or taking advantage of their affection or perhaps that other person is too immature and cant seem to understand how much they are hurting us unconsciously but still ... 

like an idiot we love them too much to let go of them regardless of everything...

 This is for all of you ...

For Those Who Cant Read My Handwriting here it is:

Like A Voodoo Doll You Hold My Heart

Poking And Hurting Or Caressing Softly

You're The One To Hold The Strings

Making Me Crave You and Torment Me From Within

You Very Well Know All The Tricks Around

Just A Little Sweetness Is All It Takes
To Keep Me By Your Side Like A Dog Sitting On The Ground
But Is It All Am I To You?
A Little Puppet To Dance For You?
Satisfying Your Needs Whenever You Want
With No Say Or Whatsoever And Follow All Your Commands?

Sure My Love For You Is No Lie
But If That's How You Wanna Play This Game Than I Beg To You
Please Crush This Heart And Let Me Die...

Written and © S.Naila Ahsan

The Caged Bird

What is this life if, full of care,
We have no time to stand and stare.

By William Henry Davies

Ever since i was a kid this line made an impact on me.

 In this life... when in the eyes of others its like u have everything in the world

and things would be going according to how any girl would wish for

everyone around you making decision thinking that this is what u really wanted 

but is it really so?

did they ever bothered asking the person in question what she wants?

  

i am sure this post might be sounding a bit ungrateful as if throwing away the blessing that we have 

but 

In this life is happiness defined? i mean sure there are things which are very nice and all

but perhaps we don't want that happiness? perhaps we want to create our happiness on our own?

the Definition of happiness is different for everyone

nothing in life comes free...

not even the path others choose for us is as good as it appears to them

what do they know anyways? do they even know what difficulties that path has for her and how much she endures in order to bring forth that smile in that path which they assume as happiness 

in the end its not them who has to live this life. 

they have no idea what it feels like to be used and thought of as an option to use when you have nothing else or when you just want to make yourself feel better by her inspiring words

they don't know anything at all

they think that they can cage a bird that wants to be free

they think she would be satisfied settling for whatever is in front of her without experiencing how it feels like to spread her wings in the sky 

but that's impossible  

no matter how much love and care you give her or how good of a food u feed her

 the freedom to find her own path and hunt her own food is what will make her the happiest 

But the question is... how to say this to the people who loves her?
how to make them understand that she is not at all happy with the way life is turning out for her? 

Instead its suffocating every single day pretending to be happy when in reality all that doesn't make a single bit difference on her 

How to tell them that this is not at all what she wished for without disappointing them or making them sad

The only thing she wish for is live her life in freedom without binding herself to anything or anyone

Why cant they understand this simple thing?

 

Boring Start of February

February already here, and for everyone its time to get busy preparing for Valentine's day with their certain someones or to go find one.

And for a forever alone girl like me, the start of Feb only means that its time to get serious and study much more seriously since the day of the entrance exam of Aligarh Muslim University is rather near

I have no time to write any blog posts either lately let alone celebrate Valentine's day or even the Single Awareness day.

Gotta stop myself from getting addicted to manga during this period also T.T
Any normal Otaku can understand my feelings right now that how difficult it is to stay away from my precious anime world.

Its soooo damn boring right now studying these stupid subjects which makes me sleepy just looking at them and by restricting myself from doing anything which may get me off track from my goal, even took break from my gaming during this preparation period, and this boredom brings out the normally dead artist outta me by doodling around xD

Rebound Relationships

Why do people opt for rebound relationships? 

Specially when they aren't even over their past?

Loneliness? to kill off emptiness by having someone around? Need someone to baby them out? Or falsely telling themselves that they are in love when in reality in every step with the current one they can only see the past rather than the person who is there for them?

What exactly is the point of  it anyway?

I mean if you aren't really over your past then you cant really fully love the person who is there for you

I know that it isn't easy forgetting our past and to be honest nobody can ever fully forget it but still...
How exactly is it fair on the person who is there with you in the present?

People don't understand that in the process of this whole thing they are just playing with the feelings of the person who is caring for them.

You may think that the other person isn't aware of it but you are wrong, they know all of it yet they silently stay with you, support you in everything, regardless of how much it might be hurting them because they truly care about you.

Nevertheless, its as good as using them for your own sake , and hurting them while trying to heal your own self
And i don't think that is fair at all.

I believe that we should fully let go of the past before moving on to next relationship or go for a rebound because these things can make neither you nor the other person happy  and it ends not too greatly for either of you.

What Does It Take To Forget?

I guess its easy to live life somewhat with positivity without looking back and moving forward
but is it easy to remove certain things from our memories  altogether? I suppose that's a stupid question to ask but I still wonder

how many of us can forget things and also remove them from our unconscious mind?
Is it even possible to do so?

I don't really know much about spirituality or however these things works

But when we have long forgotten things in our lives, why do they still haunt us in our dreams?

The tears which we never shed when the painful incident occurred

Why do they fall in the dreams so uncontrollably?
Why is it that it feel like we have no pain and our feelings all cold and we are living our life happily and positively
Yet in our dreams it hurts so much that you cant breathe?

I keep telling everyone that its pointless running after something which you know you cant have
So why do we still do that?
Why cant we just grasp the Happiness which is right ahead of us?
Why does this unconscious mind takes over and makes us stagger around the negative path when we aren't even aware of it?

Lol
This might be my first most confusing post ever for certain people
who are just as clueless as i am when it comes to these things xD

Dont Say you Love me

So My sister was listening to 'Heaven candlelight version' in her room with her husband and i could hear the song all the way to my room
and then lines started coming on their own in my head

i think its more than a year since i have written something 

so this is what i ended up with

i know its so not perfect but what can u expect for after more than a year later writing? =P

anyway

for those who cant read my hand writing xD

Here goes:

Don’t say you love me
When you don’t really care
Don’t tell me you'll wait for me
When you aren’t even sure
i have lived through once
In the life of ultimate fairy-tale romance

And getting my hopes up that someday

This girlish dream would come true

But alas!

The expected heartbreak had to come

To shatter all my beliefs

And wake me up from the childish dreams

Don’t even try to reach me

When you are looking elsewhere

Coz i am no longer a child

To believe in such sweet nothingness

So leave me alone with my solitude

Because when there was no one left for me

It’s the only thing which remained

So don’t dare to tell me to trust another person

Coz i am already done

Believing and getting deceived at the end,

I appreciate your efforts and everything you give

But what’s the surety that you won’t betray me the same?

So please try to understand my friend

I am better off alone

written and ©S.Naila Ahsan