A Long Night

As the night goes on you find yourself totally alone with your thoughts... You try every possible thing to not think about it, but it just wont leave you alone..
along with these thoughts is this feeling of suffocation... you know you are alive but still the reality is so disturbing you just cannot accept it...
And you find yourself asking that what exactly was your fault? Why did you had to meet the same fate over n over?
Why did the ones who were supposed to be your source of happiness had to give you this pain?
Where would you go ? Who will you share your problems with? When the ones you shared your everything with were the who were the cause of it all?
And on top of that you just have to fake a smile and say everything is totally fine when in reality your world has crashed down right in front of you...
Its like a betrayal you did not expect... but you can't blame them

either since you are just stupid... you are stupid enough to let them do it to you, its like you practically gave them a shovel to dig up a grave and bury you right in there and then forget all about you

And the worst part is that you cant tell anyone about it cause it will ruin their image in the eyes of others so its like protecting them while killing yourself internally...
How will you pass the night when you are completely aware of your serious anxiety attacks which are severe enough to make you lose control of yourself and cause the whole house to come running from their sleep?
And what exactly can you explain them? Why are you behaving in such a psychotic manner?
when you yourself are trying so hard to deny that any of it actually happened to you...but this strong pain in the chest wont let you be at peace nor would this throbbing in your head leave you alone along with this shortness of breath... its like your whole body can feel the pain of this betrayal... What can one do under such circumstances?

Trapped in Love

I am sure many of us stays in a relationship despite how much the person they love hurts them

they cant seem to get out of that relationship or get themselves to break up with that person, even if that person is just toying with them, taking them for granted or taking advantage of their affection or perhaps that other person is too immature and cant seem to understand how much they are hurting us unconsciously but still ... 

like an idiot we love them too much to let go of them regardless of everything...

 This is for all of you ...

For Those Who Cant Read My Handwriting here it is:

Like A Voodoo Doll You Hold My Heart

Poking And Hurting Or Caressing Softly

You're The One To Hold The Strings

Making Me Crave You and Torment Me From Within

You Very Well Know All The Tricks Around

Just A Little Sweetness Is All It Takes
To Keep Me By Your Side Like A Dog Sitting On The Ground
But Is It All Am I To You?
A Little Puppet To Dance For You?
Satisfying Your Needs Whenever You Want
With No Say Or Whatsoever And Follow All Your Commands?

Sure My Love For You Is No Lie
But If That's How You Wanna Play This Game Than I Beg To You
Please Crush This Heart And Let Me Die...

Written and © S.Naila Ahsan

The Caged Bird

What is this life if, full of care,
We have no time to stand and stare.

By William Henry Davies

Ever since i was a kid this line made an impact on me.

 In this life... when in the eyes of others its like u have everything in the world

and things would be going according to how any girl would wish for

everyone around you making decision thinking that this is what u really wanted 

but is it really so?

did they ever bothered asking the person in question what she wants?

  

i am sure this post might be sounding a bit ungrateful as if throwing away the blessing that we have 

but 

In this life is happiness defined? i mean sure there are things which are very nice and all

but perhaps we don't want that happiness? perhaps we want to create our happiness on our own?

the Definition of happiness is different for everyone

nothing in life comes free...

not even the path others choose for us is as good as it appears to them

what do they know anyways? do they even know what difficulties that path has for her and how much she endures in order to bring forth that smile in that path which they assume as happiness 

in the end its not them who has to live this life. 

they have no idea what it feels like to be used and thought of as an option to use when you have nothing else or when you just want to make yourself feel better by her inspiring words

they don't know anything at all

they think that they can cage a bird that wants to be free

they think she would be satisfied settling for whatever is in front of her without experiencing how it feels like to spread her wings in the sky 

but that's impossible  

no matter how much love and care you give her or how good of a food u feed her

 the freedom to find her own path and hunt her own food is what will make her the happiest 

But the question is... how to say this to the people who loves her?
how to make them understand that she is not at all happy with the way life is turning out for her? 

Instead its suffocating every single day pretending to be happy when in reality all that doesn't make a single bit difference on her 

How to tell them that this is not at all what she wished for without disappointing them or making them sad

The only thing she wish for is live her life in freedom without binding herself to anything or anyone

Why cant they understand this simple thing?

 

What Does It Take To Forget?

I guess its easy to live life somewhat with positivity without looking back and moving forward
but is it easy to remove certain things from our memories  altogether? I suppose that's a stupid question to ask but I still wonder

how many of us can forget things and also remove them from our unconscious mind?
Is it even possible to do so?

I don't really know much about spirituality or however these things works

But when we have long forgotten things in our lives, why do they still haunt us in our dreams?

The tears which we never shed when the painful incident occurred

Why do they fall in the dreams so uncontrollably?
Why is it that it feel like we have no pain and our feelings all cold and we are living our life happily and positively
Yet in our dreams it hurts so much that you cant breathe?

I keep telling everyone that its pointless running after something which you know you cant have
So why do we still do that?
Why cant we just grasp the Happiness which is right ahead of us?
Why does this unconscious mind takes over and makes us stagger around the negative path when we aren't even aware of it?

Lol
This might be my first most confusing post ever for certain people
who are just as clueless as i am when it comes to these things xD

Dont Say you Love me

So My sister was listening to 'Heaven candlelight version' in her room with her husband and i could hear the song all the way to my room
and then lines started coming on their own in my head

i think its more than a year since i have written something 

so this is what i ended up with

i know its so not perfect but what can u expect for after more than a year later writing? =P

anyway

for those who cant read my hand writing xD

Here goes:

Don’t say you love me
When you don’t really care
Don’t tell me you'll wait for me
When you aren’t even sure
i have lived through once
In the life of ultimate fairy-tale romance

And getting my hopes up that someday

This girlish dream would come true

But alas!

The expected heartbreak had to come

To shatter all my beliefs

And wake me up from the childish dreams

Don’t even try to reach me

When you are looking elsewhere

Coz i am no longer a child

To believe in such sweet nothingness

So leave me alone with my solitude

Because when there was no one left for me

It’s the only thing which remained

So don’t dare to tell me to trust another person

Coz i am already done

Believing and getting deceived at the end,

I appreciate your efforts and everything you give

But what’s the surety that you won’t betray me the same?

So please try to understand my friend

I am better off alone

written and ©S.Naila Ahsan