A Long Night

As the night goes on you find yourself totally alone with your thoughts... You try every possible thing to not think about it, but it just wont leave you alone..
along with these thoughts is this feeling of suffocation... you know you are alive but still the reality is so disturbing you just cannot accept it...
And you find yourself asking that what exactly was your fault? Why did you had to meet the same fate over n over?
Why did the ones who were supposed to be your source of happiness had to give you this pain?
Where would you go ? Who will you share your problems with? When the ones you shared your everything with were the who were the cause of it all?
And on top of that you just have to fake a smile and say everything is totally fine when in reality your world has crashed down right in front of you...
Its like a betrayal you did not expect... but you can't blame them

either since you are just stupid... you are stupid enough to let them do it to you, its like you practically gave them a shovel to dig up a grave and bury you right in there and then forget all about you

And the worst part is that you cant tell anyone about it cause it will ruin their image in the eyes of others so its like protecting them while killing yourself internally...
How will you pass the night when you are completely aware of your serious anxiety attacks which are severe enough to make you lose control of yourself and cause the whole house to come running from their sleep?
And what exactly can you explain them? Why are you behaving in such a psychotic manner?
when you yourself are trying so hard to deny that any of it actually happened to you...but this strong pain in the chest wont let you be at peace nor would this throbbing in your head leave you alone along with this shortness of breath... its like your whole body can feel the pain of this betrayal... What can one do under such circumstances?