A Long Night

As the night goes on you find yourself totally alone with your thoughts... You try every possible thing to not think about it, but it just wont leave you alone..
along with these thoughts is this feeling of suffocation... you know you are alive but still the reality is so disturbing you just cannot accept it...
And you find yourself asking that what exactly was your fault? Why did you had to meet the same fate over n over?
Why did the ones who were supposed to be your source of happiness had to give you this pain?
Where would you go ? Who will you share your problems with? When the ones you shared your everything with were the who were the cause of it all?
And on top of that you just have to fake a smile and say everything is totally fine when in reality your world has crashed down right in front of you...
Its like a betrayal you did not expect... but you can't blame them

either since you are just stupid... you are stupid enough to let them do it to you, its like you practically gave them a shovel to dig up a grave and bury you right in there and then forget all about you

And the worst part is that you cant tell anyone about it cause it will ruin their image in the eyes of others so its like protecting them while killing yourself internally...
How will you pass the night when you are completely aware of your serious anxiety attacks which are severe enough to make you lose control of yourself and cause the whole house to come running from their sleep?
And what exactly can you explain them? Why are you behaving in such a psychotic manner?
when you yourself are trying so hard to deny that any of it actually happened to you...but this strong pain in the chest wont let you be at peace nor would this throbbing in your head leave you alone along with this shortness of breath... its like your whole body can feel the pain of this betrayal... What can one do under such circumstances?

Unending Cycle of Pain

How much... just how much pain does one has to bear?
Life feels like an unending cycle of pain where you just have no idea how to release yourself from it
When you are so happy that you pray for the time to stop, sadly it doesn't stop and our fate tells us not to be too conceited because nothing in this life comes free
Happiness is something very short-lived and we should seriously learn how to embrace it whenever we get it
I personally have stopped believing in happiness, because it has always been preceded by immense pain
Hence I am always skeptical whenever something good happens

Anyway...
I have no idea what to do..
It hurts so much that you either feel like killing yourself or breaking down everything you see in front of you.. but obviously we cant indulge in such extreme activities at this age
Trying to move forward in life , achieving a lot, gaining success and everything
But the emptiness still remains
Its like you have lost a very important part of you... and no matter what you do.. you just cannot recover it... can never feel the way you once felt

Time goes on... Its been so many years already that you feel like you have gotten so old
but the wound is still as fresh as ever... reminding you to never forget it
And what do we learn from life?
To never depend on anyone except our own selves
Because even the sweetest people are toxic for your life from up close
They are the very people who claim to love you the most but end up putting you in worst state possible by their selfishness

Just Another Valentines Day

Another year pass... And it's already time when everyone who are in love spend it with their significant other, and then there are many who spends this day alone.

Whereas there is another set of people who are frozen in a time so long ago that there's no trace of it left except for in the heart of these people. These people are just incapable of moving forward.

P.C Deviantart

What i wonder is... what are they supposed to do exactly?
Once a person falls in love with someone very seriously with all their heart, is it possible to feel that much love or even half of that with someone else again?

What if they went in and out of relationships falsely telling themselves that they are in love again only to find out at the end that they felt nothing at all for the other person? Or even worse i should say that they are so numb that they are incapable of feeling that emotion and realize that they can only feeling attachment and affection for others and nothing more than that.

What does it take to release oneself from that past and actually feel something again?

New Year New Beggining

Another New Year stars with many positive thoughts and feelings

I could not update my blog right after getting admitted to university because soon after that my laptop broke T.T ; now after more than 1.5 year i was finally able to get it fixed, hence i am writing this post, its a real hassle posting from your mobile with all the bugs n etc >.<

Anyway, this year started really well once again like last year. The previous year had started with celebrating with my sister and her friends, and this one started with different people i met over the year and we all partied together to start the year as well as to celebrate our friendship.

2016 has been one heck of a year for me. It started so well but then there too many negativity in it, and what kept me going on were my two adorable cats who gave me company when everyone else did not, and eventually i met so many people who are till this date very important to me.

Some unannounced visitors also came when i least expected them to, it was really hard time but it ended well...

And of course when I mention hard time then how can I forget my university life?

Its been real tough but its pleasant also
And guess what? I even got to experience my life's first fracture this year and had to give my start year semester exams in that condition :(

Otome games obsession

It has been so long since I got some day off and when I finally get my winter holidays, I waste em all otome games 

Currently playing:

Once upon a fairy love tale

Oriental bride of the emperor

A Cinderella contract 

My Forged Wedding PARTY

And just yesterday I started out a new game called ' false vows, True love'

Anyone reading this would understand how much dull my love life must be that I gotta resort to anime games to fill my life with a slight bit romance 

But if you are an otaku and dream of anime guys to be real like I do then I am sure you will understand my feelings here especially when you get to be the main character of the story   (*´∇｀*)

Actually on tumblr I have seen that quite a lot of women play these games and even use their real cash to buy the stories

But I am happy even with the free games   ヽ( ´￢`)ノ

Let's start with A Cinderella Contract 
Its basically a Princely story on the surface but storyline is much more than just that unlike 'Be My Princess Gree' which i used to play 2-3 years back until my tab got messed up and I had to factory reset it and lost all my game data T-T
Anyway this story is not all Prince and princess but rather a serious story like a good manga you may have read
I started out by taking turkiye route which has Asena and Isuka to choose from, and as you can see its highly difficult to stick to one guy when both are so handsome >.<
Anyway currently I am going for Asena and almost nearing the end of this route and the story thus far has been rather touching and entertaining, but whole time I feel like jumping to isuka route because I feel sorry for him and he seems to be more my type :'D

 




 

Next we have Once Upon a Fairy Love Tale
Ok so this game really impressed me because its concept is totally different from the other otome games.
In all the other games the main character is always a commoner meeting some high class person , but in this story the main character is the VIP and gets all the attention
And secondly... I really liked how they used up classical fairy tale princes here 
Currently there are only 3 princes stories released 
When i had started there were only 2 
So I chose Luca who is the bad wolf from little red riding hood but here he looks so handsome and very much like an older version of ' Ikuto ' from the anime ' Shugo Chara '
The storyline is advancing pretty nicely here also
In this game the prince falls in love first that's another different concept and its not a love story but more like a magical fairy tale story which has a lot of action in it 
Again I am almost nearing the end of the Luca route , probably 1-2 chapter more to go 

Then there is Oriental Bride of the Emperor
Ok this story was a very mild story but I really liked it 
The storyline somewhat reminds of an old anime by Yuu Watase called ' Fushigi Yugi '
In this story also the main character picks a book from the library and lands into ancient time 

But unlike Fushigi Yugi the girl does not land into the book itself
This story is set in ancient time with the country in conflict with another neighboring country
This story was very much like some historical manga 
After the prologue I didn't get the chance to choose my guy but instead I automatically got Liyue the main emperor as my guy 
Well I don't really mind because his storyline was very sweet and even till the end i was sympathizing with him
I have finished one ending of his and now when I got the chance to choose another guy, I chose him again in order to get his other ending
Yes his story was that good
 But now I get rather lazy upon doing the game lessons  (◍•﹏•)

Ok now its time for My Forged Wedding PARTY

This game..  When it was released by Voltage.inc 2-3 years ago, I wanted to play it really badly but we needed to pay for each chapter like all the Voltage games
Back then there wasnt as much varieties of Otome games as there are now and its story seemed really good back then
I was really excited when its free version finally came out 
But now I am so lost in the other games that I often to play this game 
Currently I am pursuing Yamato Yagami Route
He is a normal school teacher and the story is very homely kind and barely any action in it so far
And the Yamato seems like a pretty tsundre guy to me , also he is a very housewife kinda who is a great cook and good at housework which in my opinion is a pretty awesome quality in a guy and i would love to meet a guy like that 😫

 


Now finally the last and the latest game i have just started last night 
False Vows, True Love
This game was getting advertised on Once Upon a Fairy Love Tale and I couldn't help getting attracted to it
It looked like a very rich story to me on the surface
And the boy in it looked like an Older version of ' Ciel ' from the anime ' Black Butler ' excluding the eye patch of Ciel
Actually so far even his nature seems similar with him
Ok so the story as well as the game play is extremely different from all the above mentioned games 
The girl swaps places with a rich look alike friend of hers and finds herself in a high class Noble family, engaged to a rather cold man Akihiko who looks like Ciel :p
When the game got to interesting part i ran outta energy (ˇ_ˇ”)
It seems to have 19 hours of cool down ,so i guess i gotta wait a few more hours to read the next part? :'D

 

Anyway this turned out to be a bigger post than I had anticipated but yeah... That's how badly addicted I am to these games nowadays 

This image perfectly describes me right now ヽ(●´∀｀●)ﾉ

Trapped in Love

I am sure many of us stays in a relationship despite how much the person they love hurts them

they cant seem to get out of that relationship or get themselves to break up with that person, even if that person is just toying with them, taking them for granted or taking advantage of their affection or perhaps that other person is too immature and cant seem to understand how much they are hurting us unconsciously but still ... 

like an idiot we love them too much to let go of them regardless of everything...

 This is for all of you ...

For Those Who Cant Read My Handwriting here it is:

Like A Voodoo Doll You Hold My Heart

Poking And Hurting Or Caressing Softly

You're The One To Hold The Strings

Making Me Crave You and Torment Me From Within

You Very Well Know All The Tricks Around

Just A Little Sweetness Is All It Takes
To Keep Me By Your Side Like A Dog Sitting On The Ground
But Is It All Am I To You?
A Little Puppet To Dance For You?
Satisfying Your Needs Whenever You Want
With No Say Or Whatsoever And Follow All Your Commands?

Sure My Love For You Is No Lie
But If That's How You Wanna Play This Game Than I Beg To You
Please Crush This Heart And Let Me Die...

Written and © S.Naila Ahsan

The Caged Bird

What is this life if, full of care,
We have no time to stand and stare.

By William Henry Davies

Ever since i was a kid this line made an impact on me.

 In this life... when in the eyes of others its like u have everything in the world

and things would be going according to how any girl would wish for

everyone around you making decision thinking that this is what u really wanted 

but is it really so?

did they ever bothered asking the person in question what she wants?

  

i am sure this post might be sounding a bit ungrateful as if throwing away the blessing that we have 

but 

In this life is happiness defined? i mean sure there are things which are very nice and all

but perhaps we don't want that happiness? perhaps we want to create our happiness on our own?

the Definition of happiness is different for everyone

nothing in life comes free...

not even the path others choose for us is as good as it appears to them

what do they know anyways? do they even know what difficulties that path has for her and how much she endures in order to bring forth that smile in that path which they assume as happiness 

in the end its not them who has to live this life. 

they have no idea what it feels like to be used and thought of as an option to use when you have nothing else or when you just want to make yourself feel better by her inspiring words

they don't know anything at all

they think that they can cage a bird that wants to be free

they think she would be satisfied settling for whatever is in front of her without experiencing how it feels like to spread her wings in the sky 

but that's impossible  

no matter how much love and care you give her or how good of a food u feed her

 the freedom to find her own path and hunt her own food is what will make her the happiest 

But the question is... how to say this to the people who loves her?
how to make them understand that she is not at all happy with the way life is turning out for her? 

Instead its suffocating every single day pretending to be happy when in reality all that doesn't make a single bit difference on her 

How to tell them that this is not at all what she wished for without disappointing them or making them sad

The only thing she wish for is live her life in freedom without binding herself to anything or anyone

Why cant they understand this simple thing?